OK, that's enough. For nearly five months, I've withheld judgment and comment on this sordid episode because I just couldn't figure out who the Creeps were. A little girl was dead, her family was acting very weird and nobody was making any progress towards finding the killer. But this has gone on long enough and everyone involved is smelling really foul, especially the multi-millionaire parents, John and Patricia Ramsey.
When I saw the first headline about the murdered six-year-old beauty queen in Boulder, Colorado, I assumed it was a typo. Twenty-six probably or maybe even sixteen, but six-year-olds are not beauty queens, are they? Six-year-old girls are supposed to be dreaming of being queens in a castle or going to the Dairy Queen. Then I saw the videos of JonBenet cavorting around onstage in her tutu and I got even more confused. This was no little girl - she looked like a cheap Saturday night harlot wearing enough makeup to choke Tammie Faye Bakker. The only parts of her that looked six years old were those tiny baby teeth on that sleazy little smile. What kind of parents would dress up their daughter like that and put her on display?
Answer: The same kind of parents whose first move after their daughter's murder is to hire an army of lawyers, investigators and media consultants. The kind who refuse to speak to the police investigating the murder because they were "insulted" at being considered suspects. The kind who hold an invitation-only press conference where they deny any involvement in the crime while looking like two kids doing the "I didn't break the lamp, Daddy, it just fell over by itself" routine. And the kind who this week put an ad in the paper offering a $100,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the killer and warning of an adult male who was approaching children in the Boulder area around the time of the murder. Any previous evidence of such a guy? If there was, I'll bet he looked a lot like John Ramsey.
And while we're giving awards for completely irresponsible behavior, let's not forget the Boulder Police. They let John conduct the search of his house after JonBenet was reported missing and - what a surprise - it was he who found the body. First there was no evidence of a sexual assault and then there was and then nobody knew. They've asked Patricia for five different handwriting samples to determine whether she wrote the mysterious ransom note. And what is this business of negotiating with suspects about conditions under which they will consent to speak to the police? Is this the special millionaire pampering treatment? If you or I were suspects in such a case, the cops would break down our door, screaming "Up against the wall, hands behind your head, spread your cheeks" and then haul us downtown where we'd be interrogated for days under bright lights with electrodes attached to our genitals. Hell, even OJ was handcuffed and brought down to the station for questioning.
So, John and Patricia, about that reward: I'm 75% convinced that one of you committed the murder and the other is covering up, so you owe me $75,000. If I'm proven right, please send the rest before you become incarcerated. Just explain that to the police - they're awfully polite, you know. If it turns out I'm wrong, I'll still keep the money. Consider it a fine for such piggish don't-have-to-follow-the-same-rules-as-the-rest-of-you-slobs arrogance.